Good doesn't sell.

It doesn't seem, because it's boring and uninteresting.

It just seems like a huge thing to me, that our society focuses so much on the chaos and destructive forces in the world and pays so little heed to the everyday kindnesses. We get sick of them so easily.

They are like the cherry on top of our ice cream sundae of hate. Our lives our full of the tearing apart of all things meaningful and so rarely do we look to see something that does have meaning. So rarely do we wish for such things, because they have become empty to us.

It's movement from one disgusting perversion to the next more disgusting perversion, until one day we will once again be watching humans slaughter humans for sport.

I thought I knew something about the meaning of existence. It turns out I know nothing of existence. But I do know I can't stand to watch anymore as everything despicable in the world becomes more and more adored.

I will hide away in my world, apart from your world, where I can cling to the small things I love, that aren't exciting at all.

I will hide with this little peace I have saved and wait for the day it is safe for me to share it again.

I want to write something.

I have no complicated reason. I have no highly noble reason. I have no very special reason.

I feel that all the problems in my life come directly from making a bigger deal out of something than it specifically deserves. Sometimes I make a bigger deal out of something intentionally, very intentionally and sometimes I do it very unintentionally. Sometimes I simply fall into it, those addicting addictions that I love to love to love.

I must FIND the root of the problems. I must find the things I make the biggest deal of that are hollow in actuality.

I am amazed that life still continues. There are so many endings around me and yet, I don't end.

When all is lost, I am still here. I am always here it seems. until I am not. and I will not be aware, when i am not. there is only this, there is only you right now.

there is one. there is only one of you and you are alone.

i am over there, not really real, not in your world. you are alone. you've always been alone. TWO THOUSAND PERCENT ALONE.

do not pretend that you are like me. no one is like you. no one anywhere.

you are.
and always will be.
A
L
O
N
E

only when you know
this
will you be able to deal

with it
as
u
should

there is no one watching your thoughts and judging them.

there is no one waiting to punish you.

if you would love, do so for the sake of love.

do so because you love to love.

if you will hate, no one will know.

no eyes will see you. no one will hate you for it.

you are alone.

be who you will.

be who you are.

i do not see you.

i see a picture that is not you, only partially formed through your directions.

i will hate you for everything you aren't. and love you for everything you're not.

i will never see you.

i can never know you.

20SB was down...

when I wrote this, or started to write. it.

SO. I decided to write something here.

NOT LIKE I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT.

it almost seems like some people are trying to get me to come back to 20sb or something.

i just feel like, if i come back, i want it to be because I want to come back.

actually, i can't force myself to come back anyway. i don't generally force myself to do anything unless i think it's completely terrible of me if i don't.

anyway, i'm strange. people should expect the worst from me. or me to do everything they don't want. i don't do what people want.

i like to run away and hide.

i want to hide from everyone ever. always. all the time. all the time.

I'm Invisible.

It's true.

I disappeared and now I can't see myself.

You probably can't either.

Being all alone is awesome.

When I am alone, there is only me. No one is there who I can feel different from. Everything is okay.

I feel like blowing on people's eyes to make them different.

If I blow on their eyes, they will have to close them and people change when they close their eyes.

I will blow on your eyes until you are like me.

I will be alone and no one will be with me.

It is a good thing.

I am never alone.

I will kiss your eyes to put you to sleep.

Go to sleep.

I will blow on your eyes. sleep.

My unending hatred.

I don't know where it comes from.

I hate people for a lot of different reasons.

I hate them if I think they are lazy.

I hate them if I think they are stupid.

That might be it actually.

I've decided the root of any evil is laziness, because it is possible to not desire certain things if you're willing to try.

Maybe I hate people for not being more open minded too.

People who have never considered certain ideas, like religious ideas, and who never will.

Usually the term open minded is used to talk about how religious people should be. More open minded. I think it goes both ways though.

I hate you because you are so different from me.

I wish I didn't.

At the same time I want to keep space between us because I don't know if I want to be like you.

I don't see anything beautiful in your world.

That is honest. It is not hate.

I want the kind of beauty that I believe in to be real.

Carnal loves doesn't seem pretty to me.

Our bodies are not beautiful, because they die.

They fade.

Maybe my mind is broken to believe in things that are not.

Maybe God is not guiding me and I am always stumbling because there is nothing that will hold me up.

Perhaps the first rule is that people do not make sense.

I am trying to make sense out of senselessness.

There is no beauty and I am trying to find beauty.

This is why I suffer. I will suffer. I will suffer a lot.

Only death will stop me.

Only death will end my pain.

Really Angry.

Something is wrong, very wrong. There's people I've always hated and I've always understood why people hated them, because they were unforgiving, or 'holier than thou'.

I'm not actually sure if I hated them. I just always knew that everyone else did.

I'm turning into something that everyone will hate.

People might lie to me and tell me they don't hate me, but I hate me. I hate me because I hate everyone. I hate people who hate everyone and I hate everyone.

I'm so dedicated to something and it doesn't look pretty to me anymore.

Everything and everyone looks ugly.

Maybe I just need to sleep. Or kill somebody. I want to see blood.

nonononnonononon, maybe. my chosen reality is falling apart.

everyone is falling apart. i'm not that pretty.

you can't love hate and all i am is hate.

something is wrong. something is wrong.

I think i'm crazy..

I've lost sense of structure. Maybe because i played a video game for 2 days straight. It also seems to be because there's no conflict in my life like there used to be.

I just don't want anything right now.

It's weird to not really want anything.

Maybe it has to do with being honest. I was always trying to get something when I was lying.

Strange thing that made me want to be honest. I watched a movie and just decided that I think people take things too far these days because in the movie there was a threesome of some sort and it was just stupid to me.

It made me not want to lie anymore. The idea of threesomes are just ridiculous to me. Most people are just ridiculous to me.

Why does telling the truth make me not want anything anymore?

I don't know what's going on. i barely see a wreason to type coereclty. That's not true. i want you to know what I'm saying.

I am important to myself in that I am the only one in control of my self.

I am so afraid of being hated., so afraid of losing everyone. i wish i wanted to be alone. it would be easier, for me.

this stuff is so boring..................... so overdone. i don't want to be like everyone else. i don't want to be alone like everyone else. i don't want to need to be loved like everyone else.

i don't care if i'm better than you or worse. i don't want to feel anymore. i don't want to need anymore. correction, i want to feel, BUT NOT THIS. I don't WANT TO NEED YOUR LOVE OR APPROVAL. i don't want to need you because it's so apparent you don't love me. you want to love me, but you don't.

AND I care so much.

i have to let go.

i have to let go of you.

there is no one who is allowed inside me. there is no one allowed inside.

this is dark. strangely dark.

i am changing without a purpose.

perhaps my journey has lead me to realize there is no reason to journey.

all things are hollow.

all reasons, reasonless

i will destroy the pain, i am the pain. i must be destroyed.

there is nothing.

strange shit

Telling the Truth isn't easy.

It sometimes is, I mean and then other times, it isn't.

I don't care if a lot of people don't like me, but sometimes it would just seem super mean to be honest with someone.

I can't tell if I lie for my own sake or for theirs.

Then I get into all this shit in my head where I want things from people and all I remember is that I'm trying not to lie and I forget that I probably should try to not be selfish either.

I should try not to want things from other people that I shouldn't want. That's hard to remember, because I want so many things.

I'm just working on not lying at the moment. I'm working on not lying to get people to like me more. Maybe I'll have to work on something else later.

life is complex and amazing. everything is beautiful. no more lies to cage me.

i will be free someday.

I need to tell you the truth about me.

I need to tell you the truth about me.

I pretend that I care about you even if I don't.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for lying and also for who I really am.

I don't think you'll like him.

I should Make my blog more Entertaining

I'm not going to, though.

YEEEEAAAHHHHHH, take that stupid desire to do something interesting.

I will never do anything interesting to spite you.

You are a dumb desire.

I like the word 'naked'. I probably would like the word sex if I wasn't raised in an extremely religious society.

As it is though, sex sounds EVIL to me, but naked is just HOTT.

Ya... I don't think you'd understand. naked naked naked naked naked naked.

everybody gettin' naked.

I'm a stranger.

Beer is pretty damn good. I love being tipsy. Maybe it's a similar thing to the words naked and sex, cause I kind of think being wasted is WRONG. But being tipsy is AWESOME. NAW, NVM, BEING WASTED IS AWESOME.

Not when you're alone tho. that's teh only problem.

Cuz then what? ur just a loser.

I'm gonna get a beer.

i think the internet is strange.

Only because I think about how there didn't used to be internet. I don't think I'd think it was strange if I thought it had always been around.

People I interact with not on the internet can harm me in so many ways if they so chose, but people on the internet only see what I want them to see.

It's almost like it's all a game. Makes me wonder how much time I should actually spend on it.

I'm not a very trusting person in general, but on sites where people don't actually know where I live there's not really much to be scared of. I can say so much with so little consequence.

This is probably something people talk about all the time, it's just becoming clearer to me how care free I really am here where no one knows how to get to me.

I mean, I bet someone intelligent could work it out over some time, but just that it's generally not accessible information.

So strange how fake it is. I wonder how real people generally are. Probably more than they have to be, just because they want it to be true that other people are real.

The Place I live is Fucking Weird.

I'm realizing more and more how damn weird the society I live in is. Everyone here is the same religion. We have an elementary school, a high school and a college. Everyone is so fucking codependent.

It's like when one person in the society does something, everyone is offended. It's so fucking gross. It's like there's this agreed upon way of being that's totally fucked up and when someone doesn't act the way they are 'supposed' to, they are ostracized.

I have to stop drinking Soda

I had a post some bit of time ago, perhaps not too long, entitled, 'I am a Wuss.'

Somehow I feel that the topic of this post will tie into that idea.

I like sweet stuff. I just do. It took me a LONG time to start being okay with the taste of beer. Beer isn't sweet, at least generally.

If people ever tell me, 'You need to be a man and like manly stuff.' I always respond, 'No, I don't.' And that's as far as that goes.

The truth is that I might actually be better off if I was more of a man. I get pretty cranky if I don't get enough sleep, or if I'm just tired. That's a characteristic of a baby, or small child. Perhaps I need to get over that.

I do very much enjoy telling people to, 'Fuck off.' whenever they tell me to , 'Man up,' but what if I tell myself to 'Man up.'? I like sweet stuff tho. It's SOO FUCKING GOOD. I don't know if I could ever give that up. I am a child, but don't fucking tell me. I do kill people, with words.

What would I be if I wasn't human?

I can change the way I feel if I work hard enough at it. Over time it becomes easier to manipulate my emotional reactions to every kind of event.

I can even stop desire for physical things.

What am I supposed to hold on to? Who am I supposed to make myself into?

No Apologies

I don't feel like apologizing, ever. That's a lie. I apologize a lot.

I don't think anyone likes me. I don't mind. I used to mind a lot. I used to think it mattered a lot how many people liked me. It doesn't matter at all.

If you don't like me it's probably for a pretty good reason. If it's not for a pretty good reason, then you're probably an idiot for not doing things for good reasons, and why would I care if an idiot liked me? I don't.

The idea is initially difficult, that no one likes you, but eventually I've come to realize it's how it's always supposed to have been. No one is like me, so it follows that no one should like me.

I just have to keep remembering that if I am to be liked, it should be for who I really am and not for who I pretend to be. I have to be strong.

I don't play the game anymore, I've quit. I've quit the fucking game.

Time to be find out who I am apart from you. Time to find out who I've always wanted to be.

Someone Like You

I pretend a LOT. I like to pretend.

I think the truth is that deep down I'm not like other people.

Whenever I am honest about things that I want people look at me funny or tell me they don't want those things, and then they don't talk to me anymore.

That's why I pretend, but I keep wanting to tell the truth and I keep trying and it keeps making people hate me, because I'm not like them, deep down.

It's sad for both of us. It's so sad.

I wish someone was like me. I'm sure someone wishes I was like them too.

It's like a feeling I have that we should all be together. We should all be like each other. I like people who are like me, because I've chosen to be who I am for many reasons.

Don't you think we should be together? Don't you think we shouldn't be alone?

You should be like me, because I'm not going to change. I guess you're not going to change either. I wish we would. I wish we wouldn't be alone.

I like this song:



I wish I liked you.

Hello God.

So, I think I decided I still do believe in God. I mean, I did decide that.

I have a lot of repressed hate and desire in me. I have to let it out.

I don't think that thinking about sex a lot means that you want to have sex.

It usually bothers me how much people talk about sex.

I usually pretend like I don't think about it, so I don't have to talk about it.

I guess it's hard to explain why I don't like to focus on it.

I could say it has to do with my religion, but I don't think people understand religion.

I guess I believe in soul mates or something. Ya, actually, that's exactly what it is.

I believe there's one female out there that I am supposed to be with forever and only her.

I guess people think that's a silly idea, but I like it. Anyway, I'm saving my body and spirit for her. She's special to me. Special enough to put her spirit before her body and to save all my devotion for her. I'm just soooo attached to the idea. It doesn't seem good of me to discuss sex extensively with anyone else.

Anyway, don't make fun of me.

I don't think so.

Not sure who I am anymore. I wrote something on Facebook telling people that I don't believe in God anymore. No one has responded to it.

I just want to be free to believe whatever I want and I didn't think that would be possible with all these people thinking I still believe in God.

I wonder if they'll all hate me. Probably. Probably. Probably.

No big deal.

Falling out my skin tonight.

Facebook won't let me post notes.

It's pissing me off.

I use Facebook notes to tell things to people who I know in real life, like, in my community. I WANT TO TELL THEM THINGS. Maybe I have too many notes or something. The screen just keeps coming up blank when I try to make a new one or edit an old one.

Ever since my perception of God changed I kind of feel like I don't have a lot to do. I used to always feel anxious about doing things because I thought I had to in order to please God. Now that I don't feel like I have to please Him I kind of feel really good to not feel anxious, but at the same time, a little bored and lost in terms of hour to hour activities.

I'm pretty sure it will pass. Part of me used to resent God and so that made doing things I thought He wouldn't like more enjoyable. Like I was sticking it to Him or something. Now that I don't see Him as a total douche, I don't have much of a reason to stick it to Him anymore. Maybe I need to refine my perception of Him more.

I do still have a little resentment. Perhaps part of me didn't want to believe in Him at all. I guess I'm scared of that idea. I don't know who I would be or if people I liked would like me anymore.

Good thing I am writing this out because it helps me sort through this stuff so much easier.

Letter to God

Hey God. I hope you don't mind me writing a letter to you. I hope you don't mind me existing. Sometimes I feel like you hate me.

It's the same old thing all the time. I feel like you told me I shouldn't be concerned about things like money. I am though. I tried to not be, but I am.

It's hard to not have money and I feel dirty thinking about it so much. I wish I stopped thinking about it so much.

I want to be above all this stuff, like money and lust and hate. You know I'm not though.

Maybe I shouldn't believe in you anymore. Your standards don't seem possible. You've always made me so unhappy.

I wonder who I would be without you. I wonder what I would love. I wonder what, if anything, I would hate.

I want to explore the mystery of life and maybe I have to let go of you in order to do that. You hate me so much.

I tried so hard. I tried for you.

Maybe we'll meet again someday, maybe when you're more okay with who I am.

It's not okay what you've done to me. It's not okay.

All The Bad Things

You know all those bad things that you usually aren't thinking about?

You know those things that sit inside you, waiting?

One day you no longer will be able to contain them.

One day they will be all that is left of you.

There are no more choices.

There is no more reasoning.

We so Strange.

Human beings are strange as hell. What the fuck is going on, anyway?

We have no idea. Some people are convinced of some abstract ideas there's no way of really confirming.

I don't like who we are. I don't like who we're allowed to be.

There are too many options. It's a bad thing.

Inevitably a decent amount of people will choose some pretty shitty things.

My oldest brother is crazy. Kind of like my other older brother who killed himself. Kind of like me.

We're so entrenched in religious philosophy.

We've warped our minds around abstract goals.

I see it killing him like it killed J, my other bro.

Maybe I shouldn't believe in God. But God wouldn't like that. It's evil to not believe in God. It's evil to hate people like I hate people. It's evil to be alive.

I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.

I don't know if I want God to be real. I'm so different than other people.

I can't tell who is more like humans are supposed to be.

all i am is hatred. i hate you for not being like i am.

i try to put the pieces together. they don't go together.

i don't work.

it's the only thing i really know. life isn't working.

you look like me, but you aren't like me.

you haven't hated everything about yourself for the past 10 years.

you don't believe in imaginary things with a passion. with a die-hard passion.

is there anything worth feeling over? is anything of any importance at all?

i have an idea that if i just think on it enough that i could know something. that i could realize something substantial about human existence. about my existence.

if there is no God in control who can i blame for our misery? who can i plead to? who can i trust...

why am i dying?

i am just so angry. i am so angry

I'm a Wuss

I like to tell myself that it's intentional. I choose to be a wuss.

I never really got the whole pretending to be emotionless thing.

I don't see the point.

I like feelings things and talking to other people about what they're feeling. It's interesting to me, much more than contact sports and stuff.

Sports kind of seem unsophisticated to me.

I get pissed when people treat me like a wuss though. I don't think people have the right to do that.

I could be just making up excuses for myself to stay the way I am.

People don't understand when I don't lie to them. I don't understand why everyone lies to me.

Why would it be so bad to be scared? Why would it be so bad if people knew you were scared? or sad?

I know people get real fucking annoying when they're always on about how they're depressed and shit. I don't usually have much self-awareness about how annoying I'm getting. Someone usually has to point it out.

I like my way of choosing to live better than the way it seems other people are choosing. Being open to stuff is good.

Letting things affect you is good.

I ain't no hero. I'm just a kid, ya know? Sometimes I can't handle shit. Sometimes I can.

REally Awesome Post

I'm going to write a really awesome blog post.

I think I'm incapable of writing really longs things. It just seems like that at a certain point after writing stuff anything more would be EXTREMELY BORING. Unless, someone was like your stalker and they hung on every single word you put down.

I don't really want stalkers though. They get annoying. I'm not even lying. I don't like stalkers. I like pretend stalkers and pretending to be a stalker. That's just great. But real stalkers? I wish they would die. I really wish they would die.

I'm tired of all these people who don't know how to function. I'm tired of people who bore the hell out of me also. I want people to be interesting. Talking about sex ALL THE TIME is not interesting. It's not. No, it's not. Stop it. It's not interesting. I can keep this up longer than you, you'll just get distracted by sex and wonder off. SEE?

Sex seems good on the outside, but ultimately it ends up being worthless if there's no connection behind it. Why don't people ever talk about the connection? Threesomes and one night stands? I mean really? How far does that take you in life?

Wow, that was fun! Now what?? Seriously, now what? Penises and vaginas. Oh, giggle giggle. Now what? Giggle some more. and then what?

How'd people get so fucked over in their heads they can't think about real things? Do you want to actually be loved by someone for who you are or not? Would you rather someone loved you for what you look like or for who you've really chosen to be?

Is there such a thing as good people? Can you do good in this world? Can you make it better?

I haven't given up hope on it. I haven't resigned myself to the appetites of my flesh because I believe there could be things much more important to think about, to care about, to love.

So excuse my disdain for your conversation, when everything is about the giggles. There are more things to consider. There are more things than these hollow shells.

I watched the first two seasons of Dexter

in the past 2 days.

Yes, I have no life.

I can't say I'd recommend the show in general because I just don't like the general idea of serial killers. Serial killers are dumb as hell.

The psychological aspect of the show is somewhat interesting though.

The idea of him having to pretend so much is interesting.

The thing I hate most about shows is that they have to continue. Some shows would just be much better ending after one season or two.

I really do relate a lot to the main character though. I feel like I have to hide a big part of myself to appear normal. I've learned not to talk about it really.

My brain is getting confused between the show and my own life just because I've watched so many of the episodes in a row.

I also relate to the rules that Dexter's foster father Harry gave to him. In my own life I feel like those rules would be God's rules.

I live by God's rules because that's how I was raised and I would feel lost without them. I also feel alienated from people who don't seem to live by the rules I do.

I was sad that he killed that girl at the end of the second season. I'm not sure why. It just seemed sad to me.

dreaming for lily

i made a video while i was drunk

i think i'm oversimplifying the issue a bit

Erin Wanted to Know what my voice sounded like.

so i was like, oh, she wants me to make a video.

so i did :/

i'm a dumb person

Seriously

I fix people's computers for like the not real job I have. It's not real because hardly anyone ever calls me to fix their computer.

I don't know if I want to fix anyone's computer anyway.

I live with my dad. He gets annoying sometimes. I try to tell him how to not be annoying and then he gets more annoying. I should try to get him to not drink, but I don't know how to do that. Alcohol has always been a good thing in my life. I don't understand why it makes him so much worse at life.

I'm mean to people. Just kind of random people. It's a newer thing to me. I used to be a really quiet person. Then over time I decided no one else knew what they were doing and I should tell them what they should be doing. Sometimes it feels good to be mean, when it really seems like someone deserved it and then sometimes I feel like I go too far.

My dad is annoying. I'm only staying here so he isn't all by himself. He just thinks he's extremely awesome or something and cares a lot about everyone liking him. My mom went out to Colorado to go to school because she couldn't handle my dad being like that. He is pretty weird. Though, I don't really like my mom either.

This is like a really bad day. Hopefully everything will be better when I go to sleep. I sleep at weird times. It's 6:20 AM right now. I usually sleep like 7am to 3pm.

My life is just extremely stupid at the moment. It all seems to revolve around this girl. I wrote some weird stuff to her again and asked her if maybe we shouldn't hang out and she said, ya, we probably shouldn't. Even though I thought that's how it should be, it's just so depressing to me.

I need a computer job to distract me. Ya. I do. Or something really odd. I need an odd distraction. Or not. Maybe I'll just sleep for 3 days. Maybe I'll sleep in the rain.

So to the What

I don't care if anyone reads this.

I've said that before, but now is the only time I've meant it.

I can live with no one supporting me. I've learned how to deal with it psychologically.

I just lie to myself and pretend people care. I believe someone cares somewhere.

No one I know, though. I don't like anyone I know.


This girl that I talked about in my second post, I think, she's just so awesome. I keep acting a little strange toward her, but it doesn't affect her. She's so pretty too.

We're really pretty similar in what we like and dislike. We think the same people are strange, well, at least somewhat. She didn't reply to a message I sent her on facebook for like 5 days, but she did after that. I told her I thought it was strange that it took her so long to reply and she said that's how she always is and she asks me to go to a bar with her again like we did before.

She's nice to these people I despise though. These losers who just go oooon and oon, who won't shut the fuck up. Maybe she's a little too nice.

She was talking about her boyfriend for a little bit at the beginning of the night. I think she just says whatever is on her mind to anyone.

I don't know if it's not fair of me to like her so much because I'm pretty sure if I knew another girl who was more suited to me, I would like the more suited one more.

I kind of felt like dying tonight because I'm fairly certain she'll never like me. I'm just too much of a loner. She's nice to people I'd never dream of talking to.

I'm sad. I just wish all the strange people would go away. I just wish she was okay and that she had a better boyfriend than that guy who I know is a compete tool. I'll probably fade away like I should. There was never a place here for me.

It's just too sad. There's no place for the innocent.

Only the things I say

People go through phases, right?

Part of me wants to be like other people and part of me does not.

In my search for people I do want to be like, I have come up empty.

Eventually, it seems to not matter if I want to be like anyone, I just start trying to be like them.

Even if I hate every thing you do, I will eventually try and be like you if you are my only option.

And I think people notice that it's not genuine of me. I also can't sustain it for a very long time.

Eventually, I decide that I want to be like people who are different than you and I try to change you.

When I see that I cannot change you, I try to find people that I actually want to be like and again realize that that search has always left me coming up empty.

It's a strange world for people like me. I often forget who I want to be so I can not be alone for times.

I always wonder why it's so easy to pretend, at least for a little bit.

I'm not complaining. People think I'm complaining sometimes. I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to understand. Also, I am complaining. A little bit.

Break Me in Half

First of all, fuck you. I'm sure you probably deserved that.

I still think there's a reason for being here, for living.

I believe in God, not like just the idea of god. I actually believe in a person who is God, who is in charge.

I believe in consequences.

You probably all heard of this shitty ass religions that don't make sense where God punishes you for doing evil and rewards you for doing good.
Shitty ass religions. That shit ain't makin' no sense.

I believe in good and evil, but it isn't God who punishes us. Being evil is the punishment because it's hollow and empty and meaningless. People fight against an idea of God that isn't even real.

It's not about other people though. I mean it is in a way and not in another way.

I have no right to tell you what to do. I have no right to even think you should be another way.

I just see all this stuff, all this hollowness, all this hate and it brings me down a little and then more and more and more.

Honestly, I see the hate in myself. I hate people for not being like I am. I hate it that I believe in eternal love between a man and a woman, because other people don't. I hate it that I believe in a marriage between people's spirits before a marriage of the body. I hate, I hate, I hate that I am so different.

Because give me a break, the only ones who say they believe what I believe are one-dimensional. I hate religious people more than I hate non-religious people because they just seem so lifeless.

I can't give up on my God. He's a good man. I don't know if you've met Him.

Life is better without the lies, without the lust, without the anger.

Do you know what love is when you see it? Have you seen love when it is real?

Shun the hollow. Be full. Be love.

the way i see love and hate

this is the real meaning of my blog name.

a lot of the time i'm not serious at all, and then i get real serious, real fast.

i'm not sure why. i think perhaps because i don't think life is a game.

i don't think i should be laughing all the time.

i can't laugh when someone is really hurting.

i don't know anyone specifically who's really hurting at the moment, but i know someone could be at any time. sometimes life is not something we want. sometimes all there is to feel is emptiness.

i used to think i could help, but i can only do a little.

i can only make your pain a little less and sometimes a little more.

i believe in a love that transcends this world, but it seems like a lie.

it seems like a lie to think that everything could ever be okay.

it seems like a lie to believe anyone could ever love anyone else forever.

i believe in these childish things only because i love them, not because i think they're most likely true. i only believe in happiness because i want it to exist, not because i think it does.

please lie to me and tell me i'll be okay. please lie to me and tell me we will forever.

please

liars and liars

i feel bad.

i'll probably feel better in 3 hours.

my life doesn't seem meaningful. i mean, what the hell am i doing with myself?

sometimes i write stuff that's shitty and put it on the internet for people to read.

it's not very fulfilling because no one reads it.

i probably need a girlfriend, but i put off like a stalker vibe or something.

that's not actually true. i have a stalker. i'm not really like her. IF YOU'RE READING THIS STALKER, STOP DOING THAT THING WHERE YOU STALK ME. YOU'RE FUGLY. you also present no challenge. i'm sorry about the fugly comment, but come on, get a life.

i just don't really like anyone enough to pursue them. maybe i have to expand my horizons interstellarly. i wish the astronauts would explore other planets so i could get a damn girlfriend.

i'd be all like, 'hi, hot girl from mars, what's the view of the sun like from where you come from?' and she probably be all, 'oh, i'm dying from your incompatible atmosphere.'

mars girls are dumb.

maybe kristen stewart would date me. probably not though. she's into vampires or something. too bad for her that they're not real. maybe she can find a vampire bat some where and try to make love to it. vampire bats are real right?

i wonder if she could make that relationship work. i doubt she has the skills. the vampire bat would be all like, 'eek, eek,' and kristen stewart would be all, ' why don't you look at me?'

i'm sorry kristen stewart, i would try and help you if i could.

gotta stay true to my title

supposedly consistency sucks. at least says my former self and i think i agree.

i'm trying to think about how to be inconsistent. hmmmmm...

this is going to be the worst post i've ever written.

i'm watching poker on television right now. i hate poker, but i play it all the time.

i feel no accomplishment after i play. probably because i don't usually win a lot of money, but maybe just because i hate poker. the idea of money makes me feel like dying.

i kind of want to burn it all. i guess i need money to eat food.

i should cook my food on my money fire. i'll get the food from the mcdonald's dollar menu.

i just realized i'm not staying true to my blog title. my posts are consistently shitty. lies.

fuck you liars. i love the idea of girls. that's about it though. i'm just kidding.

girls are awesome. i think i am a girl. maybe that's why i can't get a girlfriend.

most girls are like, 'i don't like sports.' and i'm like, 'ya, i hate sports.' and they're all like, 'gayy.'

and i'm all like, 'fuck you.' and they're all like, 'crying...' and then i'm like, 'shut it, bitch.' then they're all like *kick me in the balls* and i'm all like, 'uuuuuuuuunnna.'

my dad bothers me. he such a douche. he like tries to hug me all the time and shit.

i like poker. it's awesome. i love queens. queens rock. i want a girlfriend.

teenage girls are hot, but annoying. also, it's like illegal to look at them. i used to be a teenager.

i'm hungry and thirsty. i should mix some ice cream and water together.

this post is terrible. i'm gonna go look at food.

i can't sleep

i can't because i'm a psychopath.

there's this girl that i like and she has a boyfriend. i hate her boyfriend and he doesn't even live around here anymore.

i was pretty crazy before my brother died and now it's like i have no reason to stop myself from doing anything. i used to care a little bit about what people thought of me. now i don't at all.

anyway, this girl is all friendly with me now, because she has to be, because she doesn't want to feel guilty if i kill myself like my brother, and i've always liked her. i would always write strange messages to her on facebook and she would always ignore them before.

so after she's nice to me one night and we have a pretty long talk, i just can't handle it and a few days later i write a message to her on facebook saying i have a crush on her or whatever and she doesn't respond, so i get all pissed and write another message all like, 'i don't know know how to deal with you not responding except to hate you,' and then i feel bad the next day and write another message all like, 'i take everything back'.

then today she messages me and is like, 'you're funny. i just got these all today. you know i have a boyfriend, right?'

and i'm all like, 'i'm not funny. i'm crazy :( yes, i knew that.' and she's like 'everyone's crazy' and then i'm like, 'tell me how you're crazy.'

no response. then i'm like, ' i'm not completely crazy. anyway... i was waiting for you to respond to that last message but maybe you left.'

no response. by this point i'm pretty sure she left, so i'm all like, ' it seems weird to me that you would leave. i think i'm just going to ignore you from now on.'

i'm pretty sure she still hasn't read any of it. she'll probably respond in some strange way tomorrow.

i don't really think i'm justified in most of this. i should probably learn to fall in love with girls that don't have boyfriends. her boyfriend is just such a tool tho. he's actually my dead brother's wife's brother. so that's interesting. i don't really like my brother's wife's family. ya, if any of you are reading this. fuck you. please tell me if you read it tho, so i know why you're mad at me.

fuck consistency

i don't know how many blogs i've had, but i'm going to try to keep this one. i think the title defines me pretty well. i just don't know who the hell i am.

i'm really pretty crazy. i like writing posts and deleting them a few minutes later.

also, i like adding to posts after publishing them.

i was trying to think about why people follow blogs and i don't think people will follow my blog.

i think i'm interesting, but in kind of a bad way.

i'll just get this out of the way. if you follow my blog, i will internet stalk you, fall in internet love with you, freak out at you for not responding correctly and then be kind of normal after that until i fall in love with you again or you try to internet hide from me.