I need to tell you the truth about me.

I need to tell you the truth about me.

I pretend that I care about you even if I don't.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for lying and also for who I really am.

I don't think you'll like him.

I should Make my blog more Entertaining

I'm not going to, though.

YEEEEAAAHHHHHH, take that stupid desire to do something interesting.

I will never do anything interesting to spite you.

You are a dumb desire.

I like the word 'naked'. I probably would like the word sex if I wasn't raised in an extremely religious society.

As it is though, sex sounds EVIL to me, but naked is just HOTT.

Ya... I don't think you'd understand. naked naked naked naked naked naked.

everybody gettin' naked.

I'm a stranger.

Beer is pretty damn good. I love being tipsy. Maybe it's a similar thing to the words naked and sex, cause I kind of think being wasted is WRONG. But being tipsy is AWESOME. NAW, NVM, BEING WASTED IS AWESOME.

Not when you're alone tho. that's teh only problem.

Cuz then what? ur just a loser.

I'm gonna get a beer.

i think the internet is strange.

Only because I think about how there didn't used to be internet. I don't think I'd think it was strange if I thought it had always been around.

People I interact with not on the internet can harm me in so many ways if they so chose, but people on the internet only see what I want them to see.

It's almost like it's all a game. Makes me wonder how much time I should actually spend on it.

I'm not a very trusting person in general, but on sites where people don't actually know where I live there's not really much to be scared of. I can say so much with so little consequence.

This is probably something people talk about all the time, it's just becoming clearer to me how care free I really am here where no one knows how to get to me.

I mean, I bet someone intelligent could work it out over some time, but just that it's generally not accessible information.

So strange how fake it is. I wonder how real people generally are. Probably more than they have to be, just because they want it to be true that other people are real.

The Place I live is Fucking Weird.

I'm realizing more and more how damn weird the society I live in is. Everyone here is the same religion. We have an elementary school, a high school and a college. Everyone is so fucking codependent.

It's like when one person in the society does something, everyone is offended. It's so fucking gross. It's like there's this agreed upon way of being that's totally fucked up and when someone doesn't act the way they are 'supposed' to, they are ostracized.

I have to stop drinking Soda

I had a post some bit of time ago, perhaps not too long, entitled, 'I am a Wuss.'

Somehow I feel that the topic of this post will tie into that idea.

I like sweet stuff. I just do. It took me a LONG time to start being okay with the taste of beer. Beer isn't sweet, at least generally.

If people ever tell me, 'You need to be a man and like manly stuff.' I always respond, 'No, I don't.' And that's as far as that goes.

The truth is that I might actually be better off if I was more of a man. I get pretty cranky if I don't get enough sleep, or if I'm just tired. That's a characteristic of a baby, or small child. Perhaps I need to get over that.

I do very much enjoy telling people to, 'Fuck off.' whenever they tell me to , 'Man up,' but what if I tell myself to 'Man up.'? I like sweet stuff tho. It's SOO FUCKING GOOD. I don't know if I could ever give that up. I am a child, but don't fucking tell me. I do kill people, with words.

What would I be if I wasn't human?

I can change the way I feel if I work hard enough at it. Over time it becomes easier to manipulate my emotional reactions to every kind of event.

I can even stop desire for physical things.

What am I supposed to hold on to? Who am I supposed to make myself into?

No Apologies

I don't feel like apologizing, ever. That's a lie. I apologize a lot.

I don't think anyone likes me. I don't mind. I used to mind a lot. I used to think it mattered a lot how many people liked me. It doesn't matter at all.

If you don't like me it's probably for a pretty good reason. If it's not for a pretty good reason, then you're probably an idiot for not doing things for good reasons, and why would I care if an idiot liked me? I don't.

The idea is initially difficult, that no one likes you, but eventually I've come to realize it's how it's always supposed to have been. No one is like me, so it follows that no one should like me.

I just have to keep remembering that if I am to be liked, it should be for who I really am and not for who I pretend to be. I have to be strong.

I don't play the game anymore, I've quit. I've quit the fucking game.

Time to be find out who I am apart from you. Time to find out who I've always wanted to be.

Someone Like You

I pretend a LOT. I like to pretend.

I think the truth is that deep down I'm not like other people.

Whenever I am honest about things that I want people look at me funny or tell me they don't want those things, and then they don't talk to me anymore.

That's why I pretend, but I keep wanting to tell the truth and I keep trying and it keeps making people hate me, because I'm not like them, deep down.

It's sad for both of us. It's so sad.

I wish someone was like me. I'm sure someone wishes I was like them too.

It's like a feeling I have that we should all be together. We should all be like each other. I like people who are like me, because I've chosen to be who I am for many reasons.

Don't you think we should be together? Don't you think we shouldn't be alone?

You should be like me, because I'm not going to change. I guess you're not going to change either. I wish we would. I wish we wouldn't be alone.

I like this song:



I wish I liked you.

Hello God.

So, I think I decided I still do believe in God. I mean, I did decide that.

I have a lot of repressed hate and desire in me. I have to let it out.

I don't think that thinking about sex a lot means that you want to have sex.

It usually bothers me how much people talk about sex.

I usually pretend like I don't think about it, so I don't have to talk about it.

I guess it's hard to explain why I don't like to focus on it.

I could say it has to do with my religion, but I don't think people understand religion.

I guess I believe in soul mates or something. Ya, actually, that's exactly what it is.

I believe there's one female out there that I am supposed to be with forever and only her.

I guess people think that's a silly idea, but I like it. Anyway, I'm saving my body and spirit for her. She's special to me. Special enough to put her spirit before her body and to save all my devotion for her. I'm just soooo attached to the idea. It doesn't seem good of me to discuss sex extensively with anyone else.

Anyway, don't make fun of me.

I don't think so.

Not sure who I am anymore. I wrote something on Facebook telling people that I don't believe in God anymore. No one has responded to it.

I just want to be free to believe whatever I want and I didn't think that would be possible with all these people thinking I still believe in God.

I wonder if they'll all hate me. Probably. Probably. Probably.

No big deal.

Falling out my skin tonight.

Facebook won't let me post notes.

It's pissing me off.

I use Facebook notes to tell things to people who I know in real life, like, in my community. I WANT TO TELL THEM THINGS. Maybe I have too many notes or something. The screen just keeps coming up blank when I try to make a new one or edit an old one.

Ever since my perception of God changed I kind of feel like I don't have a lot to do. I used to always feel anxious about doing things because I thought I had to in order to please God. Now that I don't feel like I have to please Him I kind of feel really good to not feel anxious, but at the same time, a little bored and lost in terms of hour to hour activities.

I'm pretty sure it will pass. Part of me used to resent God and so that made doing things I thought He wouldn't like more enjoyable. Like I was sticking it to Him or something. Now that I don't see Him as a total douche, I don't have much of a reason to stick it to Him anymore. Maybe I need to refine my perception of Him more.

I do still have a little resentment. Perhaps part of me didn't want to believe in Him at all. I guess I'm scared of that idea. I don't know who I would be or if people I liked would like me anymore.

Good thing I am writing this out because it helps me sort through this stuff so much easier.

Letter to God

Hey God. I hope you don't mind me writing a letter to you. I hope you don't mind me existing. Sometimes I feel like you hate me.

It's the same old thing all the time. I feel like you told me I shouldn't be concerned about things like money. I am though. I tried to not be, but I am.

It's hard to not have money and I feel dirty thinking about it so much. I wish I stopped thinking about it so much.

I want to be above all this stuff, like money and lust and hate. You know I'm not though.

Maybe I shouldn't believe in you anymore. Your standards don't seem possible. You've always made me so unhappy.

I wonder who I would be without you. I wonder what I would love. I wonder what, if anything, I would hate.

I want to explore the mystery of life and maybe I have to let go of you in order to do that. You hate me so much.

I tried so hard. I tried for you.

Maybe we'll meet again someday, maybe when you're more okay with who I am.

It's not okay what you've done to me. It's not okay.

All The Bad Things

You know all those bad things that you usually aren't thinking about?

You know those things that sit inside you, waiting?

One day you no longer will be able to contain them.

One day they will be all that is left of you.

There are no more choices.

There is no more reasoning.

We so Strange.

Human beings are strange as hell. What the fuck is going on, anyway?

We have no idea. Some people are convinced of some abstract ideas there's no way of really confirming.

I don't like who we are. I don't like who we're allowed to be.

There are too many options. It's a bad thing.

Inevitably a decent amount of people will choose some pretty shitty things.

My oldest brother is crazy. Kind of like my other older brother who killed himself. Kind of like me.

We're so entrenched in religious philosophy.

We've warped our minds around abstract goals.

I see it killing him like it killed J, my other bro.

Maybe I shouldn't believe in God. But God wouldn't like that. It's evil to not believe in God. It's evil to hate people like I hate people. It's evil to be alive.

I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.

I don't know if I want God to be real. I'm so different than other people.

I can't tell who is more like humans are supposed to be.

all i am is hatred. i hate you for not being like i am.

i try to put the pieces together. they don't go together.

i don't work.

it's the only thing i really know. life isn't working.

you look like me, but you aren't like me.

you haven't hated everything about yourself for the past 10 years.

you don't believe in imaginary things with a passion. with a die-hard passion.

is there anything worth feeling over? is anything of any importance at all?

i have an idea that if i just think on it enough that i could know something. that i could realize something substantial about human existence. about my existence.

if there is no God in control who can i blame for our misery? who can i plead to? who can i trust...

why am i dying?

i am just so angry. i am so angry